Happy Mother's Day

Mother's day was yesterday.  It was a beautiful day.  I spent it with my daughter, Judy, and her husband's family on Judy and Jared's farm.  Deviled eggs from the hens.  Pulled pork and ribs from the pigs they raised.  Baked beans, well from Sam's Club.

Baby chicks were in the incubator that Judy and Jared built.  One was hatching.  More baby chicks in the basement and 3 baby ducks.  Out side the goats are good with two new kids, the rabbits are getting big and Judy and Jared have added two cows to the mix.  A busy place with lots of moms.

Maybe the hardest time to be patient is when you are pregnant.  Or hatching an egg or waiting for someone else to deliver.  The months, the weeks, the days and even hours can seem endless.  You can't hurry it.  You don't want to hurry it.  Nature takes it time to create perfect creatures.  But man it can try your patience.  Especially at the end when you are tired of waiting.  But the end result is worth all the wait.  My three daughters were worth every moment of waiting.

The farm for Judy and Jared is developing their patience I think.  A lot to learn.  A lot of trial and error.  But they seem to love it and don't mind the hard work.  It makes me tired just thinking of all they have to do, plus they both work full time.

Kate has the patiences of a saint working with the patients in long term care.  Plus she supervises and that is never easy.

Rachel is starting a new job teaching kindergartners to speak English is Thailand.  That has to take a lot of patiences.  But she has always been patient with kids.

I am very proud of all of them.  They are living life on their own terms.

One Third of the Year Over

The beginning of May.  Four months of the new year done.  One third.  The only game that come readily to mind that has 3 periods is hockey.  Oh and soccer.  I'm not a fan of either so lets forget the metaphor.  The question is what have I learned in these 4 months?  Am I any better at dealing with my impatience than I was at the first of the year?  Am I any more patient?

The number one thing is, I am more aware of my impatience.  When I feel myself becoming impatient, I try to slow myself down, take some deep breaths and even sometimes count to 10.  And then I feel my stress start to dissipate a bit.  Being impatient drives up my stress level for sure.  And honestly isn't  that the main thing I am wanting from this year:  becoming less stressed because of my impatience?  To not let the little things (like waiting for my computer to boot up, or waiting for the light to change or waiting for my phone to do what I want it to do or waiting for my food to cook) stress me out?  To chill?  To wait?  To focus on my breathing?  To go into the Zen?

But I am also looking for other things:  To be less impulsive which is a manifestation of my impatience.  And how that impulsiveness effects my weight and my spending and almost every aspect of my life.  I flunk the marshmallow test every time.  The marshmallow test?  It was a study done in the late 60's and early 70"s to test delayed gratification.  Children were given a choice of one marshmallow now or two later.  Following these children the researchers found that that the ones who could wait for the bigger reward had better life outcomes as measured by SAT scores, higher education, better BMI's (body mass index) and others.

But are those scores really an indicator of a better life  Perhaps what I need to be doing is looking at impulsivity not as a deficit but how is it an asset?  The above scores does not measure happiness.  And I would contend that contentment if not happiness is the only score that counts.  In fact I was just reading this morning in a blog by Tim Ferriss that indecision is a time waster.  It is better to make small bad choices that waste time debating them.  I have always been uncomfortable with the state of indecision.

And maybe the marshmallow test isn't testing delayed gratification but testing trust.  Maybe trust is the issue here.  Will the guy really come back with the two marshmallows or should I go for the sure thing.  Maybe delayed gratification is about trust.  Trust that if I put money in the bank it will be there when I need it.  Or that my favorite food will always be available to me.  Lots to think about as the year moves on.

These 4 months have also made me aware of when I am patient. I am generally a very patient listener.  Through the years I've wondered why people like me.  (This is especially true when I am feeling self critical or my self esteem is in the gutter.)  But thinking about it now I would suspect that it is this one quality above all else that draw people to me.  People like to talk.  They like to be heard.    I am also drawn to people who are good listeners and we are a fairly rare breed. Perhaps my skill is a direct result of my shyness.  In my formative years it was easier to listen than to talk.

This listening skill has also been at the heart of my successful career as a psychiatric nurse.  My patients like me.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing.  Many of my colleagues would say it is a bad thing.  They don't have to like you they say and that is true.   My colleagues probably, and I sometimes think my patients like me because I'm not confrontative.  I don't tell it like it is.  I'm too soft on the rules.  But my feeling has always been this.  That I am not going to change anyone in 3 to 5 days.  They know what their problems are for the most part.  The only thing that I can do for my patients is listen nonjudgmentally and treat them with dignity.  And once I've listened I can offer them some coping skills or other skills to make their lives better.

This is progress.

A Long Wait

I lived in Chicago for 11 years before moving back to Missouri last summer.  About 2 years into my life in Chicago I got into photography, mostly because I hadn't made any friends yet.  Photography is an excellent solitary activity.  I had a great time learning to use my new DSLR, took classes and snapped many thousands of pictures that first year.

My favorite subjects to photograph has always been flowers and landscapes.   The one thing I missed most in Chicago were dogwood trees.  My love of dogwood trees came from my mother who had a tree in our front yard when we were growing up.  And when I lived in St. Charles, my husband brought one from the woods and planted it in our front yard.  It was a very small tree and I had to be patient many years for it to bloom.  But when it did, what a beauty.  I understand it still blooms every spring.  I remember driving down I 270 to work in the spring and being mesmerized by the thousands of trees in the wooded areas along the highway.

But I never did find a dogwood in Chicago.  When I asked people they didn't even know what I was talking about.  At the time I didn't have a car so perhaps there were some in the suburbs.  Anyway I swore each year I would take a trip back to Missouri to photograph dogwoods.  But since I was working and you never know when spring will really come, it never happened.  Until this year.  Finally.

I have been seeing them all over the city, coming into full bloom just over the last week but I haven't had my camera with me.  So yesterday, my daughter, Judy, and I went to the park.  And my waiting was over.  She was very patient with me as I took picture after picture.

By the way, Judy has just planted 3 very tiny dogwood trees in her yard.  There are none in the woods on her property.  I hope she can be patient.

Still Practicing

My sister, Susan, tells me she is practicing patience waiting for my next post.  But I  have been busy, with the work that keeps food on the table and with the work that brings me joy, making jewelry and working with my photography.  My sister, Judy, wants me to be a vender at the annual meeting of Oklahoma's Episcopal Women.  She assures me it will be low key and probably not a lot of women in attendance.  So I have been busy making cards and earrings and necklaces and figuring out new ways to mount my photos without framing them.  Plus I started a crafting meetup group and had my first meeting.  I am also looking at doing a different kind of blog.  Just throwing a lot of stuff against the wall to see what sticks.

I am still needing to work on being patient with myself.  My "real" job has been stressful because we have been super busy and I have been filling in for sick coworkers and for people who have left.  It takes time to fill empty positions.  I have been struggling with why I felt so, so comfortable in my last job and I feel so, so less comfortable in this one.  I received my first evaluation the other day and my boss had nothing but great things to say about me.  I said to her then why did I feel so confident in my last job and not so much here?  She asked me "how long were you in your last job."  About 12 years.  "And how long have you been in this job?"  About 6 months.  Obvious right?  But I am an impatient person.  The feed back was very helpful to me though.  I am feeling more comfortable with the staff at my new job and I think they are becoming more comfortable with me.  It all just takes time.

When I started my first meetup group in Chicago "Chicago's Wine and Dine group for people over 50",  I had set the first attendance at 20, having no idea what kind of response I would get.  But a week before the first event, I had a waiting list of over 10.  I told all the waiting people to go ahead and come, because Kate had warned me I would have a lot of last minute cancelations and no shows. She was correct.  I think we ended up with about 18 people.  I met one of my best friends in Chicago that night and the group was responsible for countless of friendships over the 4 years it was active.

I set the attendance to my new Springfield crafter's group at 6 because that was the size of the room that the library gave me to use.  So far I think I have 13 people total in my group.  My Wine and Dine group in Chicago had over 400.  Springfield is a smaller town.  I realize that.  I had 6 people sign up including me and only two of us showed up that night.  I had a good conversation with a very nice woman and she fully supports my group.  But it is going to take some patience on my part to see this through.

There is patience with things: finding the right camera settings;  getting the beads threaded on a string;  improving my wire twisting techniques, processing my photos just how I want them, etc, etc.  And then there is patience with people.  I always thought I was better with the later until my recent trip to Florida with my sister, Judy, to see my daughter, Kate.  Living by myself, I don't have to wait for anyone.  I go where and when I want.  I can make excuses to myself if I don't want to do something.  But when you are with others, it becomes more complex.  Usually I am the first to be ready because I don't do much.  Wash my face, sponge off the rest of me quickly and brush my teeth.  I Shower if it happens to be shower day but my hair is short and I let it air dry.  Waiting has never been easy for me.  It gets even more difficult if I'm hungry.  What I learned though, is I can take the time I'm waiting for others to meditate.  Or I can go off to the complimentary hotel breakfast on my own.

But there was an even more important lesson I learned on this trip.  I have been accused by someone who will remain nameless that I sometimes say mean or unkind things.  Perhaps being critical is what she

meant.   I never really believed this.  I can't remember every intentionally being mean to anyone.  It's not who I am.  (Or so I think.)  But this indictment was collaborated by someone else who will also remain nameless.  Hum?  Two people saying the same thing the same time.  And I suppose if I am honest there are at least one or two others close to me who have mentioned this bad habit of mine.  My first reaction when being confronted by two people at the same time was to think, O.K. I just won't talk.  If people don't like what I say then I just won't say anything.  But this didn't seem like a plausible solution.  Instead, what I have been trying to do is be patient.  Instead of saying the first thing that comes into my head, I stop and think about what I am about to say.  Is it negative?  Could  it be construed as negative even if I don't mean it that way.  If the answer is yes, I don't say it.  I think of something else to say.  I need a lot more practice at this and I need to be patient with myself.  But I think I am on to something.  I hope so.  Happy Spring everyone.

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Patience with myself

I'm trying to get back to my Thailand post but having lost my last rewrite due to computer malfunction (or perhaps operator malfunction) I can't seem to get inspired and I don't like the current version.  So instead of letting that keep me from posting, I decided to move on.  I will eventually get the Thailand post done.

One of my major problems with patience is patience with my self.  I have improved over the years and sometimes I feel I have swung too far the other way.  I'm too patient with myself.  I don't push myself enough, I don't challenge myself enough, I don't expect enough of myself.

Where is the balance?  That is a good question.  I get excited about new projects and in a whirl wind get a fair amount done.  But then I lose interest and additional projects are not done or left half finished.  Writing projects, photo projects, jewelry projects, house cleaning, home improvement.  All things I would like to get accomplished but often times (especially the last two) I just don't feel like doing.  I try to give myself deadlines.  That doesn't seem to work.  I try to put a time limit like one hour.  That works only part of the time.  Sometimes if I am overwhelmed by a project, I try to break it down into parts.  It helps, but getting the whole project done takes a long time and usually still doesn't get finished.

I am kind to myself.  "Gail, you got the dishwasher loaded today. Good for you.  You can do the rest of the kitchen tomorrow."  "Wow, you got all the laundry done today.  Marvelous.  Now you can veg out with NetFlicks."  While I think this is a good thing, many things that need to get done never do get done.  And one might say so what.  But then I have to live in a dirty house and a cluttered house with all the undone projects and I'm not happy with that.  I guess the good news is I chastise myself less for not accomplishing things I need to do.  The bad news I don't do them.

Two things come into play.  One is living alone, I don't have to do anything I don't want to, such as clean.  The other is that working part time and having a lot more time, I waste it.  "I have 3 days off.   I can get a lot done, but I have a lot of time to do it so how about tomorrow."  Maybe next year's word will be procrastination.  Another good P word.

It is perhaps odd, that the year I choose to focus on patience, I start a jewelry hobby.  As stated in a previous blog, it does require quite a bit a patience.  But what I have also discovered is that patience is sometimes just finding the right way to do something.  I am trying to do earrings.  But the little metal piece that I am putting them on doesn't seem to want to cooperate and is difficult to twist.  After doing a little internet investigation it turns out there are several sizes and are used for different things.  I need some that bend more easily.  Now I just have to find them.  Possibly what I have learned from this is that educating myself instead of trying to reinvent the wheel every time, might help my patience level.  What a concept.

I recently found a wonderful idea for mounting photographs on Pinterest.  Pinterest is like Facebook in someways.  It is fun to look at but I get very frustrated and impatient trying to figure it out.  Much too complicated.  I'm not sure how I even found this "pin" and actually got it saved to my "pins."  But the the creativity and imagination on the site is amazing.

I realize this post is a little scattered.  But I'm not into perfection as I stated in yet another post.  Good enough is alright.  So I want to tell you about crafting and the perfect glue for those of us who are impatient.  Superglue.  Almost no waiting.  And it works super well.  The problem is getting it on your fingers.  And then off your fingers.  As it turns out it is possible.  I researched it on the internet.  Several ways in fact.  The problem is they all require patience so I'm typing with superglue on my finger tips.  At least they aren't glued together.

Adding recent photos.  And a completed project.

Night at the Oscars

Last night was the 89th Academy Awards.  I love watching the Oscars.   I use to have Oscar parties when I lived in Chicago.  I received calls from several friends during the day and got an email from a friend during the awards with pictures of my old group getting together.   She said it wasn't the same without me.  How sweet.  I am missed in Chicago.  I know that.  And I do miss Chicago, much more my friends than the city, but sometimes the city too.

So this year I attend another Oscar party hosted by my sister, Judy in Tulsa.  I helped with the preparations, making some of the cupcakes  (not decorating, that was Judy's job.  I don't have enough patience for it.  :-)).  And I made Chili Bianco from the Women of Great Taste cookbook which turned out delicious if I do say so myself.  Judy and and have a long history of cooking together probably starting around age 6 or so.

We also have a long history of well, just being together (since the womb) though we have spent many years apart.  And I would say there have been very many times when we have lost patience with each other as can be expected with family members.

In the kitchen, Judy is much more focused and patient than I am.  But she has specific ideas on how things should be.  Yesterday for instance, it was her friends that were coming to the party so she had more at stake than I did.  She wanted things to be perfect.  I practice good enough.  She had been obsessing about the cup cakes that had to match the themes of all nine nominated films.  They turned out great but I had to keep reassuring her they were fine.

And I discover that the more tired we get the less patience we have with each other.  But that is natural and normal well.   Rested parents have much more patience with their kids than ones that are dog tired from working, and cleaning etc. etc.  We got through it and had a great time.

I was also thinking about patience as it relates to the movies and the movie stars.  To be successful at anything requires perseverance which requires patience.  The willingness to wait for your efforts to pay off.  Something that I struggle with all the time.  But Judy says that perseverance isn't just about waiting.  Perseverance is an active verb.  Not passive.  You have to keep working.  It's not just about waiting.  I learn things from my sister all the time.

I took these photos quickly on my phone.  I have less artistic opportunities with that way of photographing.  But it does take great sharp pictures.

More Definitions

Reading yesterday's post, I realized the title was not very accurate.  Patience is not what happens to us.  Stuff happens to us all the time.  It is our reaction to that stuff that makes us patient or impatient.  I could have (and might have in the past) thrown all my beads into a bag and said "screw it".  This is too hard, I'm not doing it any more.  But I didn't.  I saved what I could and although I haven't gone back to work on the other strands, I will.  And instead of throwing the towel in with losing the changes to my blog post, I wrote another to express my frustration.  So I am practicing.  I am improving.  I am learning to deal with and tolerate delay, difficulties or annoyances.

But there is more to being patient than just that.  There are other definitions.  Two of my favorites:  "not hasty or impetuous:" and "steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity.

Not hasty or impetuous speaks to impulsivity.  I am an impulsive person.  Two of my especially problem areas are eating and spending money.  I've always prided myself for being able to make decisions easily and quickly.  Maybe that isn't such a good thing though.  In some cases, yes, quick decisions are necessary and good.  But not always.  I think I have never liked the state of indecision.  It feels uncomfortable.

Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity is about staying a course without expecting immediate results.  Dieting and exercise come to mind here. Also writing and photography.  The process of learning and improving instead of expecting to be perfect right out of the gate.  This again reminds me of fixed mindset vs growth mindset.  All things to explore in upcoming posts.  Stay tuned.